Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Annals, Entry IV - Conceiving Greatness

In Karl's view, the last month of a woman's pregnancy is torture. Having enlightened and gender-progressive views, he is convinced that most men, aware or not, actually experience early toddler training vicariously through their wives during late pregnancy. In support of this theory, he notes the following similarities:

  • Trouble putting them to bed
  • Fussy eating
  • No attention span
  • Excessive neediness and impulsiveness
  • Ask all types of why questions (Why do my pants feel wrong; Why does this take so long; and the infamous "Are we there yet?")
  • Need regular naps
  • Have to be taken for walks not leaving your sight (lest labour begin)
While Andrea may have her own rebuttal to the above, she has to confess that birthing an emperor is no easy business. It all starts the minute you see that second pink line (well, ok, let’s get with the times – the test of today basically yelled at us: “PREGNANT”)… In parallel with life growing in the womb, there is an anxiety that simultaneously starts as a small seed and multiplies to take on a life of its own.
  1. The Worry Web - Andrea was part of many on-line chat groups and read numerous blogs in order to “better our situation,” yet for each question answered or worry alleviated, more were raised. For each positive and encouraging story she read, others recounted disaster and devastation. Admittedly, we did have one miscarriage prior to Quintus’ birth, so a certain level of anxiety was legitimate, but Andrea’s insatiable appetite for “knowledge” led to a worry-feeding addiction. At first feeling this was unique to our situation, we later discovered that a close friend was “banned” from the Internet for the duration of her first pregnancy, citing similar reasons. (Pssst, girls - Karl's not looking - check this out!!)
  2. Gifts That Keep Giving – what Mennonite of sound mind can turn down an offer for free stuff? We giddily completed the forms inviting us to receive free samples of formula (that often came with handy extras, such as backpacks emblazoned with pink hearts!), diapers, baby wash, starter cereals, etc. Of course, the companies also took the opportunity to provide us with convenient weekly e-mails, continually updating us on what we would “need” and what stage our child was at in the womb (zygote, embryo, foetus) as well as what he would and would not be doing. We were never sure how to verify if he actually had eyelashes and/or hair, nor did we manage to master the fine art of distinguishing a burp from a fart. Nonetheless, every e-mail firmly emphasized just how important this was. Is our child developing correctly? Maybe we should sleep on a few TVs playing B*by E*nstein with a little background classical music, and we should probably talk really loud so the baby can hear our voices while giving him a little intra-uterine baby massage. Surely this will give our child the competitive edge he needs, right? (Well, that or ADD.) Further, even infant toys come with ratings on how this toy will increase your infant’s social development, hand eye coordination, color and shape recognition, and religious persuasion.
  3. The Due Date (warning: intellectual interlude) - forget holidays, birthdays, even the day of the week. All that matters is that one glorious day circled on the calendar (or as is most often the case, a circle that is eventually crossed out followed by another circle that is crossed out, and then the next day another circle, more crossing out, circles, crossing…you get the point). When a doctor says “due date”, all Karl can think about is Derrida’s essay on “différance” and all the confusion that comes with language. If you examine the Oxford English Dictionary (hereafter OED) on “due date”, you will find the eleventh definition as “due date, the date on which a bill falls due and is payable; so due day, the day on which any payment falls due” (connected to Latin). Thus, it is highly related to financial deficit. And, as most parents would agree, there is more connection here than to the supposed correct interpretation, which is listed as definition ten in the OED: “Under engagement or contract to be ready, be present, or arrive (at a defined time); reckoned upon as arriving; as the train is already due = ought, according to the time-tables, to be already here (or at such a place).” Thus, as soon as the doctors confidently proclaim the magical date, the meta-message is: “Are you and your bank account ready for this?” And if you are not and you live in France, you may use a curse pronounced very much like the first word in the etymology: “[ME. a. OF. deü, later , orig. pa. pple. of devoir to owe]"
  4. Labour Preparation Materials - we chose not to attend any formal classes, and Karl decided (as always) that reading a book or two was quite sufficient. After Andrea devoured both in an evening’s time somewhere during month three, on Karl’s shelf, as most books one doesn’t want to read, they sat for a long while collecting dust. Really, nine months is a pretty long time… However, eventually, the first book’s amazing illustrations depicting nude, seemingly post-reefer hippies just moments before and after giving birth convinced Karl that he had much to learn (nb: this blog in no way promotes reefer smoking at any time before, during, or after pregnancy). But still, nine months is a long time… Karl appeared to approach the required readings much like one might approach a friendly, neighbourhood book club, seeming to generally skim the material and ask Andrea questions to see if he got the gist. Of course, Karl never let on that his bibliophilia doesn’t really permit skimming, but he was having fun, and asking really bad questions was flirtatious and fun loving, wasn’t it? Unfortunately, when nine months suddenly didn’t seem that long anymore, contractions started, and then they didn’t stop. Karl, dismayed, found he was only halfway through the book.

Stay tuned for next time when Andrea says, “Who the h$&# ever heard of a four day labour?” and Karl responds cheerfully, “Don’t worry, honey, I just read right here on pp. 120-25 that it’s perfectly normal!”

(P.S. - the med student alluded to in the previous post is still coming - we just got a bit over-zealous on the prelude...)


3 comments:

Anonymous said...

definitely enjoying this read, you guys :)

Anonymous said...

Yup, yup. I'm enjoying it, too!

#3. ooooh the transcendental chain of signifiers...
(Ever noticed how l'amour and la mort sound exactly the same?

Jerome Eno said...

this is pretty much the best blog ever... keep it up!